Stray Thoughts

Author: Vivid Muse  //  Category: Too Long For Twitter, Uncategorized, Whining

I’m wondering why it is so hard for some of us to take our own journey. Even when lucky enough to have a partner, I hesitate before stepping on the path of another for fear that my footprints will leave an unwanted mark. It’s happened in the past. And I know it’s my fault because they told me it was (Haha, yes. I’m working on that, too.).

Now, I excel at finding silver linings and rainbows. I do it at every turn now. It makes a difficult process or period of time a bit easier, sometimes. Sometimes, not so much. But when feeling adrift and buffeted on all sides by storms, where does one turn? Speaking for myself only,

I get lost in the rhythm of the waves. It’s mesmerizing, don’t you think? And by studying them, you can learn from them. Hopefully something that makes the storm worth bearing. Most storms come and go without us ever learning such a thing, like what caused it or how it can be prevented in the future.

But, eventually, I find myself looking up, so the sky analogy works really well for me. (Religious notation: I was raised Roman Catholic; gave up on the preachings of old white men long ago and am currently researching Buddhism. I look up because that is where I instinctively look when talking to my deceased Mom, who is the person I “pray” to.).

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I have been assured that I have strong intuition. I have an overwhelming urge to believe this, as so many come to me for advice. Why, I have no idea. I’m as lost as sea as the next poor bastard.

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Why does parenthood have to be SO hard?
It’s like that film in middle school about body changes and sex and stuff, before you can grasp any of it (if you’re lucky), because you’re at an age when it’s biologically possible to get pregnant.
It’s that terror-filled moment of: “I can’t wait to see him” alongside the fear that I will negatively imapact his journey. That I’ll say the wrong thing.
It’s like, in the words of a very wise man, grape on the outside and salty on the inside. (Yes, I’m working on it… ^-^)

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I find it un-fucking-believable that nearly no one I see regularly, as life finds me now, ever met my Mom.
How is it possible that so much of my life is utterly separate from hers?!?!
That what was, when she left, is now gone.
Irrevocably.
Exquisitely.
Excruciatingly.

*sends up a red balloon*
Frakkin’ holidays.

7 Responses to “Stray Thoughts”

  1. Nuchtchas Says:

    I think that’s one of the hardest things about loss, the fact that the person your lost won’t meet the people you love now. Just thinking about how my brother never met Tek can bring me to tears, out of the blue, at any moment.

    A friend of mine’s mother just passed away, I’ve lived here a year and kept missing her, it kills me that I never met her in person because the more I learn about her the more I know I would have loved her. She is far too much like my friend.

  2. Vivid Muse Says:

    *sigh*
    I feel the same way about a friend’s Mom that was lost earlier this year. I wanted to meet the woman that was able to raise a loving and loyal woman that I love dearly.

    I find solace in my belief that the person that has passed away has instantaneous access to the feelings and thoughts of love and loss and laughter that I experience because of and for them. Okay, so solace is an exaggeration. And I fully admit that I’ve invented a completely self-serving belief. But it’s how I cope. And at least I’m honest about it. When we open ourselves to the potential love that can be shared in a friendship or romance, you are also open to insult, injury and loss. /shrug/ It’s unavoidable. And it really suuuuuuuucks, ranging from a mosquito bite to a brutal evisceration of your heart.

    I’m sorry about your friend’s loss and am at peace knowing that she has some one as loving as you to be there for her, for the inappropriate laughter, the sudden tears and everything else that can go along with such a loss. And it is my eternal wish that everyone I love outlive me. Losing my Mom has become a large specter, partly because of a domino effect that later occurred. Then my husband’s brother. Then a sweetheart of a friend, and on, and on. Coming to terms with loss has opened up so many other areas of growth for me, but I have so far left to go. One foot in front of the other, eh, babe?
    ^-^

  3. Nuchtchas Says:

    Losing people is hard, and sadly I feel like I got used to it early, except you never get used to it. This year alone so many people I know have lost people so close, it’s heartbreaking. The friend I talked about though is part of my chosen family and it hurts the worst mostly because I’m seeing him lose everything, and part of it because I’m seeing a big dread of my own, losing my mom. When my grandmother died I watched my mom go through that, that scared me so much, seeing this again, it just grips you.

    Losing a brother is hard, Chooch and I sadly have that in common, I also fear the day when I will have to go through that again and again for the rest of my remaining 7 siblings. I don’t want to do it.

  4. Vivid Muse Says:

    ((hugs)) Sorry I misinterpreted your friend as female, I need my own Freudian slip action figure, dontchaknow? And I’ve seen the grief of a son for his mother, and I would only change pronouns from what I said earlier. It’s profound, the loss of a parent, whether the bond is close, severed or kinda-there-but-not-really. Our own human creators, who shielded us from the dangers of the world since before birth. Gone…?

    I have lately been of the belief that we took the Mayans too literally, because 2012 has been one long chain of kicks to the baby maker. 8 days until we find out if they were “right” or not, but so far it’s been a year filled with such loss that at times it has felt like the End of the World.

    Thank Glob there was also so much love, laughter (both appropriate and not-so-appropriate), and inexplicable hilarity, that it kept me from sepukku. Which, really, is all anyone can hope for, I guess.

    Hugs to you and Tek, please know that I am grinning at the thought of seeing you guys again soon. <3

  5. Vivid Muse Says:

    Also, *ding* I thank Chooch and our friends the Gideon’s for my shiny new word, sepukku. Holla, my brain retained it!

  6. Nuchtchas Says:

    Oh I didn’t even notice the pronoun slip *shug* doesn’t matter at all to me. You know me, gender makes no matter in relationships.

    sepukku is indeed a great word and it illustrates the emotion behind the statement so well.

    Can’t wait to see you guys too, once a year is far too long a wait… dang me not having jobs in the states this fall. I’d so drive down.

  7. Vivid Muse Says:

    Your sweet energy is definitely missed, but will just be all the sweeter whenever it is we next see each other. <3 to you, Tek and Rory.

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