The first half, I totally agree. When people, circumstances or both dry up all the kindness out of you, always be kind to yourself first, until you feel back in balance there again, IF you ever do. Think of the air mask on an airplane safety schtick, they instruct you to secure yourself so that you can provide assistance to others. If you do the 2 kids first, you may not get to the second kid OR yourself. How’s that image for your kids to grow up with after you die?
But the second half seems passive aggressive for me. My point being: I do not like withholding when others do it to me, nor do I like to do it to others. Fear of rejection plays into the timing (usually delayed), but dammit, I’m human. Sometimes I am simply wrung out and I struggle to react, no matter how powerful what I am presented with is. For various reasons, many of them relationship based, I’m exhausted from self-inflicted and collateral damage from Other People’s Drama and am taking a vacation from those people. It’s a necessity if the ebb and flow of our relationship will ever flow again.
I dunno, am I thinking too hard? I’ve been working on healing myself to be able to be kinder in our shared world and to smooth the paths of others, wherever possible. It’s not a religious thing, it’s a philosophical thing. I don’t see a difference in praying the Catholic rosary vs. a Buddhist chant vs. guided imagery vs. tranquilly watching birds eating birdseed vs. a conversation with a deceased beloved vs. a song that makes you THAT happy. A mini spa-day for the soul, invigorating you for your next foray into the breach.
And some things I don’t share from these feeds for various reasons, on seeking a kind and peaceful path (crucial for neurological symptom management, YMMV), but with this one I am stuck. Is Mandy subtly attacking by withholding? Trying to “teach someone a lesson?” That is a kindness to no one. If stinky stuff doesn’t get aired, it will always be stinky. TRUST ya girl on that one.
My current earworm (thanks to Donna Mugavero’s recent post in Facebook, don’t know her? You should. You’re welcome.) is from Metric. Yes, we can consider my having crossed over into obsession. It’s cool. I’m in until the songs stop fitting. It’ll happen some day, don’t rush it.
“Who would you rather be?
The Beatles or The Rolling Stones?”
So, tell me. Who’d YOU rather be: The Beatles or The Rolling Stones?” For your own reasons that you may share if you so choose.
The lyrics continue:
“Oh seriously, you’re gonna make mistakes,
You’re young.
Come on baby play me something like
Here Comes the Sun.”
This is a favorite song that I love to ponder. I almost want to ask the question as soon as I meet someone, to do my own personality test. What that would be, I have no idea, but it may be akin to the “What are your five favorite LP’s and why?” aspects that would be covered. Random tangent…
Our middle son T, now 17 years old, looking out over the beauty of Hawai'i as we drove through Waimea Canyon.
Chooch and I have been at a marathon pace of giggles (and pain) the last few months, with a nice 2 week bout of illness in there. We are trying to regain balance in our lives after, essentially a three week uprooting of our schedules.
There will be many posts about Hawaii, if I haven’t said so already. I have many thoughts and house rules now, because of my love of the natural beauty they protect so well on the island of Kaua’i, if not all the islands of Hawai’i.
Our middle son T, now 17 years old, looking out over the beauty of Hawai’i as we drove through Waimea Canyon.
Until I can manage the mischief, I am doing a lot of picture posting (visuals are my best communication tool at the moment) at my Flickr site, and because I haven’t bothered my most wonderful husband to help me get this blog, Flickr, Twitter and Facebook to update. And prolly G+ since I am resigned to our future Skynet overlords.
My handle at Flickr and most other sites is Vivid Muse (with or without spaces). I do filter pix of our kids and of the minor children of friends. You have to ask for me to not let a solo photo of your child be public, it truly is a big exception. If anyone finds that I’ve slipped, please message me and I’ll correct asap.
In case you haven’t seen elsewhere, I stopped all assistance to Ditched by Kate in April of last year. I finally admitted that I simply was not physically or mentally able to be representative of their image, so I resigned. Chooch also left the band, months later, for unrelated reasons. Our friendships with the band remain, which was a goal from the very beginning. I’m very grateful that’s happened. I will never forget my part of DBKhaos and wish them all the best, sincerely.
I have so many things to express, but am needing to organize them. The biggest thing I have to say is about the Charity Cancer Anthology, (title TBD) and my inability to publish it.
I have been battling ever-worsening invisible (mostly) chronic pain for four years now. There are different aspects and associated issues, but basically, my body is hindered by pain, and my mind is hindered by fog and long periods of inability to focus, remember and/or communicate coherently. I am not the person to do this job the way it deserves to be done. However, it must happen. For my Mother’s piece and the other pieces that will be included have amazing messages to share. And because cancer will not stop, neither can those that fight it.
Because my Health Blahs, as I call them, are chronic and not alleviating, I must assume that I must find someone willing to take this on. Chooch is unable to do it for work schedule and personal reasons of his own. Cancer is a common word in our lives, suffice it to say. Too soon, doesn’t begin to cover it.
I will be reaching out and seeking advice on getting someone else to re-promote, take additional submissions, edit, publish and market the book along with Chooch. I have stipulations, because of the excruciating personal nature of this publication, but he will be the one in charge of those.
Please contact Chooch or I at Viv@VividMuseCreations.com if you have suggestions, criticisms, or services you’d like to donate, since this is a non-profit charity book, and also if you have services that you think will help us spread the word far and wide to raise the greatest funds possible to wish this evil disease into the cornfield.
My deepest and most sincere apologies to those that in some case have been waiting years for this anthology to be published. It is in your honor that I show my gratitude with this public apology and embarrassing level of detail of by failings. Please direct any response to Viv@VividMuseCreations.com with ideas, criticisms, requests to add more selections, alter/add to your current submission or any other matter.
Please know that I’ve let myself down more than I’ve let anyone else down. In moving out of cocoon-mode, things have to be completed this year. Nothing that lingers because of fear/embarrassment/pain will see the dawn of 2015. This is my goal. (Warning: As part of my typical foolishness, I will be channeling Mabel Pines from *cough*Disney’s*cough* animated series, “Gravity Falls,” by embracing awkward and embarrassing things and putting them in my rearview mirror. I’m human. I make mistakes. I’m moving on. Feel free to join me.)
As a result, I have something similar to Write or Die in mind for this blog. I have to schedule the post when I begin writing it. I have 1 to 4 hours to hone it, since I get lost in Fibromyalgia Fog frequently or migraines take me down. If necessary, that means posting before proofing. (I can’t wait to see if I screw that one up. Future half sentences ahead!)
And I’m tired of looking at super short thoughts that I’ve captured that I feel like I have to expand on into a more coherent post. I am rarely coherent. If you know me in real life, you know this already. So, my misfires are a part of my “voice” or POV. (We’ll see how long this lasts. I’m coming off a great weekend.)
I think this will help with the 70 or so pieces of thought and 4 journals full of thoughts. Lose all my baggage and keep our beloveds and keep our human and material treasures close.
Oh and we my do a new Into the Blender Podcast, soon-ish. We did a google hangout on Nov 1, 2013, our 10th and 11th anniversaries, but the audio isn’t up yet. We will hopefully be able to do an occasional episode the same as PG Holyfield and Chooch produce our SpecFicMedia.com shows. Record a live show in Google+, while broadcasting live to YouTube channel and then strip out the audio and post in our podcast feed.
And because of another kind nudge, this time from Dave Slusher, I’ll attempt to talk into a microphone soon for my stale, sporadic at best Girl’s Rules Podcast. I have little control over whether or not I’m physically able, but I will try.
Maybe something will come of it that others can relate to and also help with my successful-to-date fight against isolation.
I got a round knitting loom (cheap rig) and decided to just practice the stitches to see if/how long I could do it, since I’ve had to give up most other crafts and my purple yarn stash is too pretty to give away.
It took over a week, and my “tennis elbow” is aggravated (definitely a contributor, as was baking cookies and taking pictures on vacation) to the point of tears, but I made it. I was going for a “muff” by just knitting a tube, just until the skein ran out.
I ended up with the equivalent of a large sleeve. I may seek the other skein of that color and make another. Connected the right way, and with some luck, it’s a kind of a shrug, lulz.
Taking a break until my elbow recovers, learning left-handed was pointless, I am right-dominant. Even with the left-handed method, I was doing most of the work with my right and had to repeatedly correct. If it continues to be a problem, I’ll just go right and consider it exercise.
I just shared a photo on Flickr and figure it’s a good point to take opinions on what to do with my ‘do?
Good pic to start the debate on whether to dye my hair again or let it grow out salt and pepper?
FWIW, I’ve vain about my hair and love the color my Goddess/Hair Stylist uses. But in saving funds for Hawaii adventures, I skipped a dye or two and am eyeing my roots now with doom in their future, but… should I let it continue to grow? It’s been 4 months almost. Maybe it was just the beauty overshadowing everything else in the picture, but I didn’t give a damn about the gray showing. I was like a kid with a bad haircut, completely immersed in what we were doing.
So much silver, but it’s kinky and coarse. I’d either end up chopping it or dredding it during grow out.
Thoughts?
Diving in to their discography, I’ve found the lyrics and energy of the band Metric exceedingly cathartic. Just now, while I was stuck in my head again on a sadness (a while back), I started playing on shuffle again, and because I’m crazy as a loon, I haphazardly decided that whatever song they played, I would take it in and seek catharsis on it through their lyrics. View it through Emily’s lens, so to speak, since she has so often said what I needed to hear. Here’s what they served me up with:
“Help, I’m Alive”
I tremble
They’re gonna eat me alive
If I stumble
They’re gonna eat me alive
Can you hear my heart
Beating like a hammer
Beating like a hammer
Help I’m alive
My heart keeps beating like a hammer
Hard to be soft
Tough to be tender
Come take my pulse the pace is on a runaway train
Help I’m alive
My heart keeps beating like a hammer
Beating like a hammer
If we’re still alive
My regrets are few
If my life is mine
What shouldn’t I do?
I get wherever I’m going
I get whatever I need
While my blood’s still flowing
And my heart’s still
Beating like a hammer
Beating like a hammer
Help I’m alive
My heart keeps beating like a hammer
Hard to be soft
Tough to be tender
Come take my pulse the pace is on a runaway train
Help I’m alive
My heart keeps beating like a hammer
Beating like a hammer
If we’re still alive
My regrets are few
If my life is mine
What shouldn’t I do?
I get wherever I’m going
I get whatever I need
While my blood’s still flowing
And my heart’s still
Beating like a hammer
Beating like a hammer
Beating like a hammer
Beating like a hammer
Help I’m alive
My heart keeps beating like a hammer
Resulting Mood: Being zinged by loved ones is something I was raised on. I’ll survive this. In fact, I called its certainty ages ago and have been upgrading my emotional armor. I just thought dark times had passed and that the sun was starting to peek out of the clouds. Silly optimist is silly. Silver lining: No more energy/love wasted where it’s not appreciated. And yes, I know I’m nothing special. Just your average everyday human that is happy to know where she stands with people.
Lesson re-learned: I simply must listen to my instincts, they rarely steer me wrong, in hindsight. Stop being afraid to reveal my super embarrassing non-traditional geeky side. Those that reject don’t get to laugh over it with me. Always give a second-chance (or third, or twentieth), so long as it’s DESERVED.
This is why we eat so late: me, doing dexterity new-to-me exercise, round loom knitting. I then get get shiny object syndrome and take a picture because I love the natural shape of it and the colors, too. Then, hubby snatches my camera and nabs the image and is now playing with that. I love how he makes me feel about myself. Going to keep knitting, I guess. I think this is the thing he’s working on, but I’m not sure.
I have so many thoughts after our visit to Hawaii, for two whole weeks on the Garden Isle, Kaua’i. I fell in love and dream of returning to it again, and also making my way to active volcanic sites, because why not?
The biggest change is done. Only my forgetfulness will ruin my intentions: No more plastic bags from stores. Reusable or paper ONLY. I’ll happily remove that from this household whenever possible.
I won’t be embarrassed using a WalMart bag at a Harris Teeter, I just don’t care. I’m taking this wee step in the hopes that the garbage cycle is a little lighter for this change.
I’ve long been intending to post songs of here and there as they wind their way into my brain, unprovoked. I’ll also be including a link to a video from the best available if there’s nothing on the band’s official YouTube channel.
First up is Metric. It’s a band that Chooch and I first encountered while watching Scott Pilgrim vs. The World. The song “Black Sheep” was performed in the film by fictional band, The Clash at Demonhead, but is originally a Metric song. If memory serves, I purchased the soundtrack on the way home from the movie (something I’d never done before or since), and our poor house-guest PG Holyfield was forced to repeat listens as we fell in love with the soundtrack. (Completely fair since he and Chooch made me see it.)
Since then, we’ve slowly been taking in their albums, Fantasies, Let It Out and Synthetica with love and fervor. There’s more, but I’m just now really getting to know LIO and am not in a rush.
We even got to see Metric on their first go-round last year, touring for Synthetica. They put on a great live show and we were sad to have been unable to recently when they played locally. It was a really fun show and I can’t wait to see them again.
I greatly enjoy the music, but it’s the lyrics that stop me and make me put a song on repeat for 10 plays in a row. They have a way of capturing unnameable thoughts and impossible-to-express feelings/snapshots of my life with near-perfection. Lyrics provided by AZLyrics
I again surveyed my blog land, and I have about 60 draft pieces that I’m trying to edit to post. With my neurological and physical health issues, I struggle immensely to get the wording right before a migraine hits or dizziness/nausea forces me to leave the computer screen.
My goal will be to post at least one a week and CONSIDER YOURSELF WARNED:
I am lowering my self-editing in order to get the thoughts out before I lose them. This blog has turned into more of an online journal than originally intended;
I need to keep posting to the outside world to stop feeling so isolated from it. Personal in nature and likely emo at times;
There will likely be multiple and unrelated topics within one post. I ache for brevity;
If you’ve not had a comment approved here before, I have to Allow it to be visible on my page. I don’t gather lists or info to sell or use either nefariously or for the Greater Good. (Morally and also, “Rawr!”);
My site, my rules.
Second thought, which I also posted in Twitter and Facebook:
Dunno where, but I may do an chat as a movie/game lover w/limiting health issues. Do Creators even realize when they deny their loyal fans?
I’m planning on something super short and solo, since I can’t wrangle moderating the discussion and/or Google+ Hangout, which is where I’d do it.
On this subject, please direct responses to me at VivMuse@gmail.com, as my hope is to maintain privacy and no spoilers for what the episode may contain. I’ll likely include your suggestions/thoughts/experiences.
I’m really just wanting to get the word out there, since I’ve only seen one Creator in my social media circles offer up something with folks with vision and other accessibility limitations in mind. I find myself bringing it up (likely too often) on SpecFicMedia.com Presents: Consumption ‘Cast, which is a weekly attempt to join hubby Chooch and friends P.G. Holyfield and Christiana Ellis. Last night it occurred to me that Creators, especially of visual mediums, might like a few experiences to help widen their audience of prospective future fans.
(If I get my IT guy in to help with the running of the show, I’ll consider guests, too and other than those in my dream cast, responses VIA EMAIL will be first considered, if and when I do this project.)
I backed it and I’m hoping to do a review after I play with some friends (possibly recorded for posting). I’m so very excited to try it, as J.R. Blackwell and Jennifer Rogers are also a part of the project and I’ve LONG been fans of theirs. Check it out!
Third thought:
Happy Halloween!
May your fun be safe but skurrrry! Our Housies are all sick/just getting better, so healing vibes, prayers, or sacrificial meatballs to the SMitS would be greatly appreciated. It’s a super fun night in our home, and I’d hate for our Wee Housies to miss out on any planned fun.
Related Thought:
I’m linking to a segment on The Daily Show with a fave new comedic actress of mine Kristen Schaal. I loved her on Wilfred and 30 Rock, AND she does/did voice work for many of my fave animated movies/TV shows, like Gravity Falls (voice of Mabel, my spirit animal) and Adventure Time.
In the segment I link to (WARNING: NSFW or with kids in the room unless you want to spend some time explaining the whats and whys of a vagina costume.), she chimes in on the annual sexy-female Halloween costume debate and presents THE best sexual female costume EVAR. It went up for auction later to benefit a charity, so if you just want to see the picture and skip the interview you can do so by clicky THIS linky.
Yes, I wanted to own it. No, I wouldn’t have ever worn it out in public, tempting as it would be…
Fourth thought:
If I am able to type coherently tomorrow, you’ll learn one of the reasons why 2013 is Lucky ’13 for me.
I saw Gravity in IMAX 3D specifically for a Google Hangout with friends where we planned to geek out on it and other stuff. I highly recommend it in that format if you can swing the funds. I have been (I know, I know, I brought it on myself.) spinny and nauseous since about 5 minutes into the trailers (that was hours ago. *burp*) with a migraine bearing down, but it’s totally worth it. If you can’t swing the funds, please, see it on the big screen however you can. I think it really matters on this one.
The giant wall of blackness and silence in the theaters as you feel like you sit amongst the stars. I caught myself at one exciting moment having to force my hands to stay down, so strong was my urge to reach for hands of the actors as they swung around in space, desperately seeking purchase. The movie immediately immerses you into what truly is (as expected) a breath-taking movie with a beautiful story.
Seriously, beautiful. There’s no feel of a “Wouldn’t that be cool visually? Yeah, let’s write a script to explain THAT.” I just hadn’t heard about the emotional punches to the throat, other than those expected by knowing the premise from the trailer. But, WOW. I finally like Clooney again and Bullock outdoes anything I think I’ve ever seen her in. And I’ve seen a lot of them (fan girl). She is amazing in what must have been a solitary and physically taxing role, and her face frequently made me forget that behind her there were sights of Earth and space that should have held my attention over anything else.
Take tissues – you have been warned. Your mileage may vary, but this movie was heartbreaking for me and I want no bitchin’ later.
Per minute entertainment may have been pricier for the IMAX 3D price tag since it’s only 90-ish minutes, but we also saw the Ender’s Game trailer, standard, (which is coming out on our 10th anniversary!)
AND
The Hobbit:2 trailer (in 3D) with a December release date. And I don’t feel cheated either. I’m just super glad the Furlough ended so we could finally expend the funds to see it. Don’t get me started on the furlough… 😉
If you’d like to hear a lengthy discussion, where Chooch, some friends and I attempt a Spoiler-Free(-ish) chat, followed by a Spoiler-Rich segment, check out the following deets:
WARNING: I say attempt, because we’re not vetting each phrase and sometimes we realize too late that we’re in Spoiler-Rich territory. No bitching, you’ve been warned.
After a fun 2 1/2 hour geek-out with friends (on a podcast called Consumption), I was bebopping through Facebook and Twitter feeds, to check in on our kids and nacho kids (as in, loving some kids so much that you have to constantly remind yourself that they are not your kids) and friends. Like you do.
And then I see something that leads to something else that leads to … that moment of sadness for someone gone before Facebook became commonplace. Maybe you’ve experienced this, too?
Or maybe I am crazy, getting too immersed in a world with avatars and pseudonyms (looking at myself, here) and thinking, “How is it possible that this woman I sometimes think of 5 times a day after more than 7 years of her absence, does not have a Page with Likes and Photos and history quickly and fully fleshed out in a matter of moments?!?”
We that are left behind have to sift through old, depressing photo albums that are filled with deceased friends and ancestors to try and figure out names and dates and places. I’ve seen thousands of photos this year, and only about half have I ever seen before, or am I able to identify who the hell they are. Mostly, my dad’s family, so they’re going in a box for him to decide what to scan or toss, or both.
So when I was really blue and really missing my Mom (she’d have known EXACTLY what to do during this financial crisis, aka Government Shutdown/Furlough), I added a FB life event, where I can post pictures and have a place that’s easier to get to then National Cemetary.
Later I saw that it created the entry on my page, which means my sister and brother and sons and nieces and nephews saw it. I broke into their day with her beautiful image on a deceased life entry. Thanks, Facebook. Now I feel like a douchebag. No complaints from anyone, but still.
Miss your wisdom, Pocket Mom. Even when you were wrong, you were so right.
