Too Long For Twitter

Definition I Didn’t Know: Mediatrix


My therapist suggested that I Google the term “Mediatrix,” after we had yet again discussed my exhausting and irrepressible compulsion to make sure all the emotional needs of the people I love are being met (A clue for Dear Readers as to one of the reasons I’m in therapy- I’m frakkin’ exhausted and overwhelmed.), easier before the Health Blahs (as I call the litany of diagnoses I’ve collected: Vestibular Migraines, TMJ (I think I cracked my recent crown thanks to jaw clenching, yay!) , RMSF and newly added Fibromyalgia). I tend to have near-complete disregard for what my needs are, both emotionally and physically.

At Therapist T-Pain’s mention of the word, I perked up and proclaimed the title “Mediatrix” as mine with the definition unknown, based on my lifelong love of all media and recent experience in the New Media frontier. Plus, it sounded geekily exotic!

Here’s the actual definition:


[mee-dee-ey-triks] (Note: Pronunciation focuses on the word ‘mediate’, not media as I initially thought.)

noun, plural me·di·a·tri·ces  [-uh-trahy-seez, -ey-tri-seez] Show IPA, me·di·a·trix·es.

a woman who mediates, especially between parties at variance.
Also, me·di·a·tress, me·di·a·trice  [mee-dee-ey-tris] Show IPA.

1425–75; late Middle English  < Late Latin mediātrīx,  feminine of mediātor mediator; see -trix

Usage note
See -ess, -trix. Unabridged
Based on the Random House Dictionary, © Random House, Inc. 2012.
Cite This Source

I dunno if I think I am a mediatrix, but I guess it’s something to ponder. I have spent a lot of my time playing the damned devil’s advocate, after which my attempts at objective honesty to provide all possible options, usually gets the emotional crap beat out of me at some point in the future. Seems kind of like I have created a compulsion that puts me in the middle of all disagreements, which is pretty dumb for somebody that really just wants to embrace my loved ones, enjoy life and giggle as often as possible.

Nowadays, the medications I take seem to be doing their intended job in sometimes minimizing some side effects, but the full-time fuzzy brain make it harder for me to tell when My Beloveds need an extra little help or lift somehow. Even if I can pick out the shape of their need in my sometimes extremely foggy haze, I am at this point mostly useless to help in ways that Make A Difference, which is actually T-Pain’s goal, although not specifically why I take the medications I do.)

It’s still a particularly difficult with the things going on in loved one’s lives currently, as so many are raw and hurting in some way. Especially, as a bonus to anything the recipient feels, I find it cathartic for myself when I am able to do the little kindnesses. It alleviates my fear that I don’t contribute enough to the world to justify my place in it anymore, and results in feels shame and happiness at the same time. *sigh*

End result, I am taking on less stress as I am meant to, but I miss being there for my friends when they are in need. And then I feel guilty or shamed either way.

I frequently remind myself, now that I have self-banned myself from driving (medication side effects, primarily), that now I officially am The Passenger. The Passenger has input when allowed, but little control. It’s freeing and terrifying, all the same. The new mantra is shorter and reminds me that it’s not a choice, but simply how my life is right now and is a reminder  embrace the inherent freedom and let go of the guilt and shame of not helping others.

Edit – this (June 9) was the second session in 2 days. Now a bi-weekly patient, thanks to my progress! But things have been “exciting” and it’s dredged up some deep dark issues for me.

2nd Edit: I’m now a weekly patient again (June 20). *sigh* It was nice while it lasted, but I am in need of  extra time with all the stuff we have in the air, balancing expectations (ours and others) and maximizing fun time with the kids, while (reminded of need today) making sure I don’t overdo it. HAHAHA, I love that she *still* thinks I can stop myself. Ex: I worked myself so hard the last two weeks getting ready, that I fell asleep early and missed the end of LT’s first night here. Epic Mom Fail.

But tomorrow brings the first official sunburn of the season as we hope the weather lets us head to a local pool. Woohoo!

Chooch Dizzy Health No Whining

Going Off Preventative Meds

I was all ready to go into the doctor’s appointment and fight for his approval in going off the two preventative medications that I’m currently on to combat my vestibular migraines (dizziness, migraines, fatigue, occasional nausea when the dizziness is extreme). I was actually disappointed when he didn’t argue. It seems we’ve exhausted the meds I can take that won’t wreak havoc on other minor health issues I have. I think he was disappointed as well, because he wasn’t able to give me relief after all this time. I actually felt kinda bad by the end of it, as if I were firing him which isn’t the case. I still feel like he’s done and is doing everything possible. I haven’t completely decided if I’ll return to him or seek a new neurologist of this continues. I’ll likely do both.

We worked out a plan for the next three months: I’m to wean off one medication over the next 2 weeks. Then I start to wean down off the other over a couple weeks. Then we just wait and see what happens. It could take a month or so from that point for all that stuff to be out of my system and to be able to get a clear baseline as things stand now.

If it’s bad, I can go back and try something else, but for now I’ve got an appointment in February to discuss the results. This allows three months to wean down and “normalize”. I’ve also got a non-prescription route I can try before returning to him. And there’s acupuncture, which I’m leery of but know folks that have had great results.

For for those keeping score, this change will remove two medications for a total of five pills a day. I will hopefully be able to drop 3 other daily pills and an every-other-day pill that are needed for side effects. *crossing fingers*

I’m really excited to see if this change also lifts the persistent brain fog or if that is part of the condition or whatever it is that I have. I’m really tired of feeling stupid for not being able to remember things or make simple mental maneuvers.

And yes, I’m nervous about what I’ll be dealing with when the meds are out of my system. As I told my doctor, it’s possible that the medications are tremendously helpful and I just don’t know it. While I’m hopeful that the condition resolved itself already and that it’s the pills (with listed side effects of dizziness and headaches) making me feel so crappy, I know that it’s more likely that they are not. But it’s been a year, and I feel I have to try, especially since nothing has allowed life to resume normally.

One interesting tidbit – interesting to me, at least: One of the things the doc always does is a test of my balance, motor skills, eye movements, etc.,. It’s simply done in the room, and I was pretty proud that I was able to do everything with coordination, including standing still with my eyes closed. I felt like I stood stock still, like a soldier at attention. Chooch informed me later that this was not so. Apparently, I was swaying dramatically. I didn’t even feel it. Now I’m left to wonder how much my body automatically compensates for the dizziness after all this time, and how accustomed I’ve become that I don’t even notice something like swaying. Crazy.