Continuing on, thanks to the wean-down from Nucynta in order to start the Next Script (name given only after results are measured objectively, to prevent my results from being skewed by helpful folks sharing their experiences), I am now clearer in thought than in years, more so than even the change to Nucynta granted.
The pain is still overwhelming, along with all the other hindrances. It’s worse than when I was on Nucynta, but my energy level and brain power are boosted a bit. Because of this break in the fog, I’ve delayed starting the new medication. I wanted to keep my mind clear when Son and Nephew arrived and so I gave myself “more time to get a pain and symptom baseline” which in reality has been a stubbornness in giving up the slight boost to my intelligence. Nothing like what I could do in the old days, but wow, major improvement and just in time, as our summer is even more full than I predicted with our family and with our friends.
In spite of starting our taxes in January, I’ve still been unable to complete them and submit them. Now, I’ve been doing my own taxes since I was 20, so this is REALLY saying something. Back then, it was going to the library to get the forms and instructions and using pencil and a calculator before finalizing and sending them in. There was no software, there was only me.
So, I’ve decide to not start the new meds and risk the potential loss of brain power until I get this done. Pain, I’m used to. I’m just not willing to give up my brain function without a fight.
The benefits of this break have been immense, as I now have a new baseline, my memory is stronger, although I still rely on several visual tricks for both short and long-term retention. I’m also hoping to get the long-delayed cancer anthology passed to friends that have offered to help get it published finally, with more info to come later on this and long avoided breast cancer risk assessment underway. I’m only three years from Mom’s age on her first diagnosis, after all.
In truth, I’m truly struggling to trade out the pain relief for stupidity. The things over the last few weeks that I’ve been able to assess have been mind-blowing and life direction-changing. I’m terrified to take the new pills that wait for me on my nightstand. Just a few more days, maybe a week? After almost five years, productivity is kind of addictive, even if all it means is that I get a complete load of laundry down in one day instead of three. Or wrangle simple details and planning in less than a freaking month of complete forgetfulness. Now it’s just persistent and that little relief is like an addiction.
As my first actual addiction after the thousands of doses of countless medications and treatments I’ve taken, I’m pretty happy. Physically excruciating, but spiritually uplifting and I am so grateful to have followed my instincts on this and had a sunbreak, so to speak.
Yes, I will begin the medication on Monday to get back on the treatment and resolution path and hopefully the new medication won’t have any of those gnarly side effects. Maybe this medication will work! But first, I gotta get some things done without it taking two years.
For now, I’ll be grateful for what I’ve got in my husband and sons, their health, safety and happiness. The rest is icing on the cake.
It is indeed a Brave New World, even if briefly. But I will not forget what is shaping up to be the last long summer visit for the Grands. There is simply too much to be “present” for and enjoy these once in a lifetime events.