Tomorrow I mail back the heart monitor. In spite of having five days off from it due to equipment malfunction, I’m barely keeping my sanity with this thing. It’s the constant feeling of being tethered that’s getting to me. I wake up in the middle of the night with it poking or itching or whatever and I have to fight the urge to throw it across the room. The pads themselves are itchy and tearing up my skin. The sound of the recording causes my headaches to spike.
Add to that the loneliness and feelings of being trapped due to being stuck at home and unable to drive, not to mention just feeling like spinny crap all the time. I know I’ve got many blessings in my life, and I’m extremely grateful for each one. I’m just really struggling to get through this part to find the solution and get my ass moving again. I’m jealous in a most evil fashion of those that are continuing with their health regimen as I struggle with losing the 20 pounds I’ve gained since this started. And worst of all, I desperately miss our three sons. When M and LT moved out, I had work to keep my attention away from the huge void. Now I’m just knocking around this house that’s too big thinking about them and J, and missing them so badly that I can’t allow myself to think about it. J lives with his mom on the West Coast and I should be used to missing him, but with M and LT gone now too it’s more acute.
If you know me, then you know that I try really *really* hard to stay positive. I know it makes a difference. I’m just desperate to move on to the treatment phase. I completely broke down after the January appointment when they said they still didn’t have a final diagnosis. I don’t know what I’ll do if they say it again. The isolation truly sucks, and luckily I have the phone, internet, I get to see friends (occasionally) and my family (less frequently). I know it could be worse, but I still wish it were just a little bit better.
I think it’s the NEEDINESS that is really getting to me. We’re in the middle of repairing / painting our bathroom and I need to go to Lowe’s. I need to go to the grocery store. I need to go to Costco. Kaylee has a vet appointment. I can’t do any of these things to allow my husband to rest after a really long week of hard work. Nope, instead he has to get up early and take me all these places because I still can’t drive due to the doctor banning me.
I didn’t mean this to be the whiny post it’s turned in to, but with the cooties I picked up at Farpoint it’s made for a very rough week. I can’t even drive myself to the damn doctor. Three different family members live less than a half hour away but I don’t like to ask my family for anything. Now when I’m feeling low enough to actually ask for help I can’t — don’t want to risk them catching whatever bug I picked up.
Our friends were going to visit this weekend and they had to cancel. The gaming party we were invited to? Canceled. All this cleared the way for us to be able to attend a friend’s birthday party, and I’m afraid to go and infect others.
I don’t know why I’m posting this. I’m not looking for pity or anything like that. I just needed to vent, and people shout into the abyss about this stuff, right? It’s actually pretty self-indulgent, as I got to spend copious amounts of time with friends just last weekend. I guess I got used to being around people again.
Going to shake off the blues and get over it. It’s been a rough winter all around, and I’ve just got to stay focused on the good things. After all, tomorrow I lose my leash and I get two days with my honey! Now if I can just keep from driving him crazy…