This morning, I indulged in vague booking, to ensure that people not following an exchange know my rules for Facebook interactions. I was startled by a comment, but must comment out of fairness of the question. After two hours since starting my response, and looking at the length, I decided to make it a blog post. Who knows, maybe someone can relate or get a peek behind and invisible disability and accessibility entitlement.
My original vaguebook:
“When you ask someone for links to unheard claims they’ve made to you, but they won’t provide them because they’re above doing research for you to simply dismiss. Guess it’s not as clearly provable as the first statement indicated. I assumed it was info sharing, my bad. I wouldn’t ask for links if I don’t want them, but Grump supporters have trouble providing them. Interesting problem.But wow, such a timesaver! I won’t exert any effort into googling it since it’s not important to the person that made the claim, plus we clearly support different ideals for the country we share. If it were so truly important and relevant, why not shout it from the roof tops by linking to it?
FWIW, I follow each of the remaining candidates on FB in the race, and in addition, Chooch ensures I’m very well-informed. And thanks to my Mom, I’m not a pussy about my opinion WHEN I decide to share it. The combination of the two makes me impatient with speculation being named as fact, and being talked down or insulted into silence by anyone.
Shay commented, “But… I’ve asked you for links to prove something you posted and you’ve said no. How is that different?”
This is hard to explain without being accused (not by you!) of playing the pity card.
The long answer:
I publicly admit that constantly lowering the perceived intelligence bar is a true struggle for me, as I continue to go through different health issues and treatment attempts. They impact my comprehension, retention and other fun stuff. But I used to be intelligent, quick-witted and confident about it. My Google Fu was high, in those days. I loath asking for help and would find the answer myself if at all possible. “Beauty is only skin deep, but I’ll always have my mind,” I’d say to my overweight body. In fact, I didn’t discover I was strong in accounting, just like my Mom, until shortly before I lost that same strength. Just long enough to fully miss it, by even daring to dream of being a CPA some day. I didn’t appreciate it enough while I had it, because no one wants to face the possibility of what I have or worse -Alzheimer’s or dementia. For example, I spend half an hour writing something the length of the original post, with many re-reads. And I recently discovered that I attempted college in 2012, only because of my student loan history. I kinda remember what an instructor looked like, but not the name of the class(es?).
My mind is not on my side any longer. My memory is bizarre in its retention. I used to be logical and analytical and detailed and factual. Now I’m a blur trying to express things in a different language that I’m still working at learning to use effectively. I’m even fighting an anxiety attack for fear of inaccurately expressing myself and causing offense where I don’t mean it, while fighting a screaming sense of being under attack. But I don’t think you’re like that, so bear with me.
I’ve spent years fighting my disabilities and so far I’ve lost. I’m getting new specialists and have not nor will I ever stop seeking my “silver bullet,” but I have to come to terms with what my current reality is and grieve it. The silver lining is that it’s only pain and hopefully not degenerative or life shortening, other than not being able to run or have cardio exercise resulting in gaining back weight.
He knows that I’m fighting to take in data — I can’t read dead tree books NOR can I work on computer screens for more than an ever-changing chunk of time with recovery time between. For the podcast we do, he only needs to watch the episode twice: once for pure enjoyment and again for show prompts. Meanwhile, I watch it anywhere from 2 to 5 times, depending on my health and the violence/emotional stress of the episode. I have to rewatch the previous season the week before the new season premiere to remember what the hell happened. I used to also listen to every episode we posted, so I wouldn’t be able to repeat myself, but haven’t been able to track that for at least 3 seasons. I frequently forget seeing entire movies and games played, but for all the pix I take.
I’m fighting to express myself, partly because of distortion filters that everyone has, but that I struggle desperately against. I also acknowledge that they are there, which makes me impatient with those that refuse to manage their own and/or their expectations of me as I continually manage my own expectations of others, based on the chaos in their own lives.
I struggle immensely with needing to be “accommodated” for my disabilities, but I have a fresh perspective after seeing how Canada’s society views me as opposed to the US after our visit this last weekend -without scorn, primarily. I paid it forward with kindness for others when I was of full health, and our society isn’t as kind as you’d think, on the daily.
I even struggle when the Fibromyalgia “fog” rolls in to make the simplest of choices. I have zero decisions or clear thoughts to give and as I was reminded this weekend, I shouldn’t be ashamed or embarrassed because of it. The medications make it worse. I simply have to allow myself to ask for help, accept it if I need it when it’s offered, or in this specific case in Facebook, specific information. But when I do and I then get slammed for being lazy and closed-minded, it really stings and I react accordingly.
In summary and after too-much explanation without a formal structure, that has taken me over three hours, off and on, to type, the difference is that I was asking for information and he denied it to me. The word entitlement comes to mind, but it may or may not apply.
So I can’t easily Google a few phrases with any hope of finding that specific point. I’m to remind myself that some people can’t calculate a tip in their head and I usually still can.
It’s just that I’m exhausted from callousness and accessibility elitism. I won’t explain myself to the person, either. The response is moot, as I can’t rely on my interpretation of it, so it‘s lose/lose and I’m not trying to shit on anyone else’s path, essentially. #IAdmitIHaveDistortionFilters #ButIAmAlsoWorkingOnIt #Thhhhhppbbbt
Specifically in my post, when I said, “I won’t exert any effort into googling it since it’s not important to the person that made the claim,” it was because that can turn into a huuuuge chunk of time for me and I won’t spend it there if it requires my attention greater than the resulting information could possibly impact. (Does that make sense?) So many offensive things have been done by candidates, even if it were true, it doesn’t come close to the damage done by Republicans against the interests minorities of any kind.
Sidebar: it’s especially hard to swallow from people in a minority under attacked. Hello? Ladies? Your vagina and uterus are being decided upon. Please make sure that your voice or your silence delivers the message you intend. <3
What I have said in sweeping general statements is only after I have cobbled together enough information thru extensive track-backs to original articles. I try to take great care in what I say because of gossip that’s gotten back to me and the unfair expectations on me. I’m gun-shy, but I say them because they are things I feel have been proven without me having to link to it, sometimes after posting the links previously. I use Facebook and other social media as a tool against isolation and depression and it’s not my job. It’s my tool for my specific use and I won’t take the time or energy to go back and research for someone else that can do it far faster than I and without needing a break afterwards. I’m speaking literally, here. The assumption that I can do otherwise is poorly drawn, but likely my fault since I’ve been shamed into not speaking about the mental aspect of my health blahs.
And sometimes, it’s complete passion that blinds me to say something, right and/or wrong. When I catch it, I admit it. Girl, I say dumb stuff all the time. I’m FAR more edited on a keyboard, same as anyone, but I too talk out of my ass. It’s part of the human condition.
That said, I estimate that almost to a one, my conclusions are drawn from things I’ve previously shared. If I’m wrong, link to the right information or don’t waste my time with bored trolling. I’m sorry they’re bored, but they should find a charity to donate their time to if they want to actually make a difference.
The disparity in level of effort isn’t considered and I was denied information. I’m ok with that, since, as I see it, I have been and will be disregarded at some point again later anyways. You should note the difference between the response there and the response here. It’s based on personal interactions and my understanding of the differences between the intentions of you both. I have no regrets.