/rant/ Music No Whining Whining

Today, A Puscifist

Cradle to grave, every day of my life I’m a pacifist. But today I’m a Puscifist, thanks to Chooch sharing a new fave song.

I keep things on the bright side and assume the best of people I meet, regardless of their reputation. It often results in great times and greater friendships. But I’m also often mistaking people wanting something from me as being the beginning, or continuation, of a true friendship. I won’t let clown shoes change my attitude, zero bad apples will change my hope in humanity.

But today, I less than three Puscifer soooo hard for again making sense of my confusion (and hurt and misrepresentations of me and others, resulting in feelings of shame and guilt) and giving it a voice.

I have such a hard time giving up on people, no matter how shitty they treat me or lie or use passive aggression like a weapon, knowing that it cuts me deeper than most because of my neurological challenges.
Once in my heart, always in my heart, sadly.
But I’m working on it since it’s plain stupid and is keeping me depleted and unable to explore beneficial possibilities.

At the very least, I’m “untethering” from the ones that are detrimental to my health/stress.

So, things to remember with me…
…just because the lies or harsh words aren’t knives or bullets, they still cut deeply and/or can bleed for a long time;
…just because you didn’t say it to my face, it doesn’t mean I don’t know;
…just because I’ve kept your secrets so far, know that your treatment of me and mine can change that;
…just because I’ve taken the high road, it doesn’t mean that I’ve forgotten how different our morals are;
…just because I stood by you in dark times, it doesn’t mean I will tolerate childish punishments for being a reminder of those same times;
…just because I’m above smacking your face, don’t mistake me for being weak.
#BeyondPainCranky #PainStabby #NotToday


“The Remedy”
Lyrics at


/rant/ Too Long For Twitter

Trans Women in the Ladies Room: A Welcome and a Survival Tip


Trans Woman or Bigot

I saw this picture on Facebook and my post grew to too many words. Apparently there’s still controversy over women using the ladies room, simply because of how they obtained their feminine appearance. I had such a visceral reaction, I had to get my milk crate out to stand on. *ahem*

HELL YES to this post and here’s why:
20-ish years ago, when I was a young mother at work one day, I was using the facilities when I noticed a hand mirror under the stall wall next to me.
Confused, I then noticed the hairy knuckles and bare feet in that stall and yelled. I was still foolishly trusting in those days and couldn’t make sense of what I was seeing, so I otherwise froze not knowing what to do.

 Luckily for me, when the pervert realized he was seen, he bolted instead of staying. He was probably gone before I felt safe enough to exit and run to my office to call the police, but definitely before the officers arrived. The location was a professional office building where I worked for a real estate office. Lots of foot traffic, and no one saw a shoe-less man running out of the building.

I never saw his face (or shoes!) so couldn’t pursue further. OR determine if it was a co-worker or someone else that worked in the building daily, meaning it could easily happen again.

Ever since, I’ve assumed perverted men are in stalls next to me. It’s no big deal, just take an end stall and watch the shared wall. It’s never happened since then, which I know because my residual fear means that I watch closely. IMHO, you’d have to be perverted and/or dangerous to get off by violating a woman’s privacy to such an extent, and risking arrest, just to watch her pee or poop. Just…. beyond disgusting. And I’m watching out for them.

Meanwhile, no woman has ever used the mirror peek trick.  I actually feel safer knowing there will be more women in the ladies room. It’s less of a chance for perverts to creeeeeeeeeeep around in there unnoticed. 
For those worried about their kids seeing something “inappropriate” if a trans person is in the bathroom, then why do you let them go alone in alone at all?
Don’t you worry about them having an experience similar to mine, at their young ages? Regardless of whether the perpetrators are culturally permitted in the restroom, or not? Please give it some thought.

To the trans ladies, I continue to welcome you! But please let this serve as warning to you of the dangers of being in the ladies room:

Be vigilant for your privacy and safety at all times, including the bathrooms, for you are now a part of what I think of as “The Prey” gender. You will likely be targeted and victimized by some just because you are female and “up for grabs.” I’m so sorry for that, because this nation hasn’t done enough to lower the incidence of sexual assault against females.

Please, use your voice LOUDLY and don’t let anyone disrespect you. Even those with good intentions.

For the Dudes
For offended males that I trust:
This isn’t about you, but it’s good for you to know about. I similarly warn young females about this and about never leaving a drink unattended and watching out for each other. Consider protecting those in need.
For other males that are offended:
Welcome to reality. Suck it up and be grateful that you are a part of what I call “The Predator” gender and don’t piss me off with stupid sexual comments. Know that I give you the gift of believing YOU aren’t one, and hope that now you know what some women suffer through just to get through a day of work. For 1/4 less than you likely make, but with potential the sexual harassment gauntlet to run every day.

If you are one and know it:
GET YOURSELF HELP. You deserve a better life than the shit you are now doing, and your current/future victims deserve peace.
The emotional damage doesn’t end, and the world is hard enough to survive. Agreed?

/rant/ Too Long For Twitter Work

Don’t Tell Me My Reality – Two Furloughs and Another Possible

I have so very much to say on others not knowing me well enough to tell my reality, whether it’s to me or behind my back. For now, I’ll focus on the possible furlough because I’m hot pissed about it as we are currently running various personal financial  scenarios with our crystal ball, so it probably won’t make much sense but I’ll feel better. (Identified- I regularly forget/drop/lose nouns when communicating. It’s very frustrating for me, at least as much as those bothering to try to understand what I’m saying.)

I’ve been too sick to tune in to the news today, so pardon my alarm, but if there is no Continuing Resolution signed for the budget and the gov’t shutdown/standoff happens, info on hardship assistance during that time is a struggle, so PLEASE share any you find. I’m adding links that we’ve gathered in preparation for the worst case scenario. (Links at bottom of page.)


I’ve run back  to my blog because Facebook is too ridiculous.

I’m glad the rest of the country is keeping their eyes on the prize by focusing their intelligence and energy on the silly political reindeer games instead of making personal attacks on me and others living on the front lines of this fiscal crisis.

Oh, wait… that is what’s happening.
Well played, politicians, but… America?
I thought we had something special, but this is not the country I was told it was growing up. How can I be proud of my fellow citizens, with so much hate, judgment and cruelty — without even the ability to understand that they don’t understand, because they are not here trying to survive it.

They sit above us, knowing all, including that the food trucks and the restaurants in the region will lose their customers and that the nation’s capital is like a ghost town. Shopping for Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas will be impacted. Travel is expensive, so airlines will be impacted.

Thank goodness for their superiority in their distant lack of understanding, telling me that “we will be fine.”

Either give me your check and I’ll pay you back when hubby gets paid or acknowledge that you and I don’t have a problem with each other.

The problem is in our country’s leadership.

On both “sides of the aisle” it should have been curtailed long ago. The last example is too recent. The biggest complaint was about National Parks and Monuments, and it seems they’ve seen a workaround for that. No worries, your trip to see the big green lady in New York won’t be a waste of your time.

But what will trigger the end of a possible shut-down this time, when it seems they are literally and specifically targeting your government’s civil servants. Why? Because we have been turned in to punchlines by comedians and politicians for decades. I’m not willing to jump in a plane and kill a bunch of people in a war, not even for my country. Without a draft, that’s my choice. But I did serve my country in several different Departments of the Federal Government and all I can say is shame on all of you that swallow it so eagerly. I worked damn hard and the stress is immense when working for DoD, so fuck you very kindly.

We are Americans. We are just like you, with families and bills and insurance payments and have needs like toothpaste, milk and toilet paper. Hopefully the lights, water and heat won’t get turned off for any houses with young families in them.

The politicians hope this time they can again hurt us all for strategy, because if they have National Parks staying funded and open, not enough Americans will notice this time and they won’t get blamed.

It’s embarrassing that these are the people we chose to be in charge, with such a recent lesson clearly unlearned.

And when you laugh at jokes about Feds, you’re laughing at my husband and I. And we both had at least one parent and spouse and/or sibling that work(ed) VERY HARD in our libraries, Federal contract purchasing and oversight, Post-Secondary education, Native Americans, banks, and other positions that support military members fighting for our country and for our fellow citizens. And it’s a shitty work environment, my friends. Unless you are so high up that you make decisions like these, while removed from reality.

For us, serving our country in this capacity is more than a paycheck, it’s a family tradition, so don’t minimize us. When you mock our reality, you’re mocking my Mom, my Mom-in-Law, my sister, brother and father, and other family, along with me and my husband. Every generation has been represented in the military, as well.

Come pay our bills, because for us, it’s not just a news story on our television. It’s the child support we pay; the rent check; utilities; medicine; doctor appointments; medical expenses; fuel and tolls for Chooch to go to work, unpaid; my own inability to earn an income after countless tries, so far.

There are so many that are far worse off than us, from the loss of medical funding providing medication and treatment that is literally keeping people alive; single parents with small children in the house and having to pay for daycare, groceries and their needs while forced to work, if mission essential. If not mission essential, you save on daycare, but you still freak out on feeding your kids.

Is this really the country we want to be? The Incorporated States of America? Because that’s where our leadership is taking us and holding our countries efficiency and budget hostage for their personal politcal chess games.

The cruelty to the poor, young and weak is nowhere near what the Founding Fathers had in mind and yet we still use their words as weapons to further injure the “huddled masses.” Only puppets blindly follow puppet masters, and that’s not the country that I grew up in.

Remember that when next visiting the statue of liberty, which it sounds like will be open for tourists, but closed for employees already here, with families, seeking to earn their income, raise their families and pay their bills.

It’s the new American dream. Survival, please?


Here are 2 few things I found for Chooch to read up on, hopefully it is unnecessary.
*fingers crossed*belts tightening*

Washington Post – A government shutdown: What federal employees need to know about their pay and benefits

2015 Shutdown Furlough Guide





Middle Aged Rebellion?

I just saw a sponsored ad in Facebook with a list of 20 items that women (over 30, specifically) shouldn’t wear, stating “grow up and act like an adult,” as the reason.

I only read it to see how many rules I break and I found the first item was a “graphic tee.”
A fucking t-shirt?
This is useless, ageist and elitist bullshit.

If I didn’t let my parents dictate how I dressed as a teenager, when they were paying my bills, why the FUCK would I let a stranger whose sole interest is to get my money succeed? While trying to shame me into buying their “style” at (almost) 46?

Note: I refuse to link to the post or utilize it since it’s clearly bullshit.

I’m now shooting to wear 20 things age inappropriate items at once. Help me by listing items that are age inappropriate for this almost 46 year old grandmother! But remember, I’m modest and always have been. That’s not going to change either.


Viv(Ham)taro, Halloween 2011
Viv(Ham)taro, Halloween 2011


/rant/ Chooch Too Long For Twitter

In Praise of a Man

I’m in utter awe of my husband. If you know me at all, this isn’t a news flash.

But with all that the furlough is doing (and with the work of countless staff members furloughed at home that is being dumped on him), Chooch continues to report to work and continues to diligently serve the mission he’s employed for, to aid Native Americans.

For ZERO pay, people. Because no income will be received for the work he performs, starting yesterday, Oct 1. For his standard 40+ hours a week but now with ZERO income.

Yup, he has to go in, even if he’s too sick. Or breaks his leg. There’s no one else but him. He cannot take time off for ANY reason.

Why does he do it, instead of quitting and seeking private sector work? Simply for the extra bit of hope that he will be paid at the end of this financial trauma and that our son’s lives will not be further negatively impacted by the childish cruelty of our politicians and failed political system.

Chooch and I pledged our love to each other over a decade ago, and united our lives in marriage 10 years ago, next month.

I remain fully aware that I am Blessed and beyond lucky to be hand-in-hand with a man such as he (him?).

I knew it then, but I learn it again every day he gets up and goes in to that shitty, shitty situation. Don’t bother making “lighter traffic” jokes, it’s not happening. He’s still gridlocked until he enters his nearly-deserted building.

I have immeasurable love and gratitude for each and every person that impacted/impacts the path of the man I will share the rest of my life.

Best of luck to all my friends and family impacted, and to the rest of you that will feel the economic impact soon. Over 2 million hard-working and gainfully employed Americans have suddenly lost their income.

I don’t care what your industry is or politics are, it’s going to hurt for a long time.

Prayers for us all, regardless of political beliefs. (And there are some TRUE assholes revealing themselves right now!)

Prayers for OUR Country(, or whatever non-prayer equivalent you choose).

Prayers that more people act like Chooch, by getting the work done that needs to be done.

Photo by J.R. Blackwell
Photo by J.R. Blackwell

On a scale from one to awesome, he’s the shit! Just look at him!

/rant/ Rules of Etiquette Too Long For Twitter

There’s No “App” For Pregnancy

Unverified Tweet from Robin Williams that is circulating on Facebook.
Unverified Tweet from Robin Williams that is circulating on Facebook.

Let’s be clear, the Kardashian empire has not directly made a dime off of me. I have none of their celebrity endorsed products, nor do I seek out their shows. I have frequently questioned the impact of their behavior of girls and young women, and that of others on the covers of the same magazines.

And now, dammit, I have to speak out for one of them. Thanks a hell of a lot, Robin Williams.

Note: I haven’t verified that this image being circulated on Facebook is accurate. I am happy to volunteer the possibility that it could have been photoshopped. I’d rather write this explanation than go to his Twitter account and verify it, simply because it doesn’t matter if he did or if he didn’t.

Some ass decided to copy/paste it and share it. Because hey, it’s not only making fun of a woman for getting fat! It’s also poking fun at a media celebrity. A reality show celebrity. They’re fair game, right?!?

I say nay.

When there’s a baby on board, I believe that allowances should be made. The sheer fact that, whoever she is, I think she should be allowed leeway on a cray-cray flower patterned snug dress. It could have been a gift. It could have reminded her of a deceased beloved one’s garden. It could have been material made from pictures of a bouquet from her man congratulating her on the pregnancy. It could have been the only thing she could bring herself to wear as she left the house, knowing she’d get sliced and diced regardless of what she wore. Or maybe she’s dealing with the horrific changes to her body by trying to channel Mother Nature, being pregnant and all. Who the hell knows?

My point is, who the hell are we to judge what she’s covering her body with or how that body looks? If there is any time period when a human should be allowed to wear whatever the hell makes them happy, it’s people with terminal illnesses and pregnant women.


In both cases, there is shit going down in their bodies that would keep you up nights, terrified. In the case of pregnancy, the gestational host, err, I mean, the mother, faces tremendous changes to her body. In my experience, from head to toe.  Literally. My hair changed from waves to curls and my feet changed, widening along with other body parts that typically widen during pregnancy to accommodate the birth. I’m told this is common, which I think means that shoe stores need to increase their ratio of wide-to-average width shoes. (Am I right, ladies?!? …??? … No? … *hangs head* … I knew it.)

Lookit, whether we like her or not, she has chosen to grow a human. Inside of her. She is sustaining another life from within her body. She didn’t adopt. She didn’t hire a surrogate. If unplanned, she didn’t have an abortion. She’s created life and now she’s feeding herself and her baby, as pregnant women all over the world are encouraged to do.

Except for Kim Kardashian. She gets laughed at for gaining weight during a pregnancy. Clearly, the popular opinion is that she should have taken this opportunity — a heightened metabolism and another, separate life siphoning off calories and nutrition — to go on a crash diet, starving herself and her unborn child. All for the hope of gaining cheers of approval from the media and America for being back in a bikini 2 weeks after delivery, smiling at us from the cover of a magazine.

Silver lining? Since the baby would likely be in PICU, being kept alive by feeding tubes and a team of specialists, Ms. K will have plenty of time for tanning sessions and photo shoots.

Oh, and keep in mind, there are millions of young women that have grown up with Ms. Kardashian all over TV. Like it or not, they are learning. I wonder how many more young women will under-eat, rather than risk being called a fat ass, to the detriment of her child.

This is my one share of the picture and I don’t hate on anyway that has done so or will do so. If it were Tom Cruise, I’d have shared the hell out of his fat, pregnant ass. But since I don’t hate/idolize Ms. K, the first thing I thought of was something else that recently made the rounds of social media:

A post written by Geek God, Wil Wheaton, that was circulating in response to some cruelty a man with MS recently suffered, and included a Tweet quote from Joel Watson @hijinksensue:

“you make games and comics and books. They make comments.”

So, in this case, Ms. K is making a baby. And I say, comment away, World.

She’s gaining weight, but she’s also celebrating life.

She wins.